To Pursue or Not to Pursue? That's the Question.

Let's stop talking in circles and get right down to it. Guys think girls are confusing and girls think guys are confusing. I would venture to say that both are correct when it comes to relationships. The question is, how do men and women overcome this 'you are so confusing' syndrome and end up getting together? Allow me to break down some of these barriers and tackle one topic at a time over the course of this blog, in an effort to help better understand one another.  Since I cannot talk to you from a married persons perspective, or even a male perspective, I will do so from this 30 Something girls perspective. Buckle up. This is gonna be fun. :)

Recently, I had a friend get married. I adore this friend. She doesn't make decisions lightly and this is no different than what she has done with the person she just married. Her husband PURSUED her like every woman wants to be pursued. And when she wasn't sure where her feelings were at, he was PERSISTENT and patient. Listen guys, this is important. Women want to be pursued and we want you to be persistent but we also need you to be patient. 

PURSUED

At this age, we've all been burned and are nervous for one reason or another. But the simple truth is, women WANT to be pursued. We don't want to be the one pursuing. It makes us feel less like the woman in the relationship. And let's be honest guys, it doesn't make you feel super manly to have the girl chasing after you. Does it? I mean, I get that it's flattering and a nice break to be able to sit back and have the girls do the front work, but ultimately you want to be the man in the relationship. Right? So help us to be the woman in the relationship, take the first step for us. Dating and marriage are work enough, we don't need to add role reversals to the equation when that is ultimately NOT what you want in a relationship. If it is, perfect. Wait for your woman to chase after you. But if that is not what you want, then guys.. ASK GIRLS OUT. I know, it's a crazy thought. But listen, girls want to FEEL like they are pretty. That they caught your eye. That you are interested in getting to know them better in a setting other than a 'hang out'. Girls want to KNOW they are going on a date. I'd say a high percentage of the women I know do not know if they are going on a 'date' with you, or if you've just invited them to 'hang out'. Unbeknownst to you, we go into these situations ready to pay for ourselves because we simply do not know if we are on a date. It is NOT because of the equal rights movement that we open our own doors and pull out our wallets. A lot of times, It is simply because we are completely uncertain of the situation and are feeling a little awkward and don't want to make assumptions. What does that tell you? You need to make your intentions known. It's refreshing when you do. And fellas, it's impressive.

PERSISTENT

Alright, I know this one can be a little bit more difficult for some. I'm not saying to ignore a ladies request to leave her alone. Let's not be a creepy stalker. But what I am saying is that you should definitely NOT jump ship as soon as most of you are doing. Seriously. Think of it from her perspective. You ask her out. She is flattered and interested to get to know you better. You go out. You have a good time. It is now, at this point that she is probably fully aware of you and starting to think 'he'd be fun to get to know better'. That is, if your date is going well. The chances of her thinking about you in 'dating terms' before you actually go out is pretty low. Our thought process is 'why think about it when the chances of us going out are slim to none'. We are trying to spare ourselves the disappointment by having this kind of thought process. Do you blame us? The guy/girl ratio is not in our favor. It never has been and it never will be. Dating is becoming more and more rare while hanging out is becoming more popular. Most women simply do not 'check guys out' in the way that men do. Don't get me wrong, a woman will note an attractive man or a kind man. But that's as far as it goes for us often times. From a mans perspective, you check out a woman. You assess whether or not she is dating material. You keep watching her and checking her out until you deem her date-able or not. If she is date-able, then you ask her out. Guys, you have a jump start on the whole situation. You've had longer to decide if you are attracted or not. Getting to know her and still wanting to date her is a bonus. Whereas we jumped on that ship much later than you. So when we are still trying to determine our interest level, you are a couple steps ahead of us and often times read into things way too prematurely. Give us time to catch up! Seriously. Please don't jump ship before we even get our sea legs. Give us time. Be persistent. Be patient.

That being said. Reality Check. Guys, just because you've asked a girl on a date does not automatically lop you into wanting to marry her. So don't avoid asking a girl out just because you don't know if you 'like her THAT much'. Hello, if you see a girl that you would like to get to know better, that is when a date should be secured. Feel out the situation. That's ok. Girls will give you the hints if they think you are interested in getting to know them. Another Reality Check. Girls are not thinking of marriage on the first date. We are not thinking of marriage after several dates. All we are thinking about is getting to know you. So if you take her out, do things to help you get to know one another. If you had fun getting to know one another, a second date should be a no brainer. My advice to you: Have fun getting to know people in dating situations. Dating. As in one on one. Dating shouldn't be so stressful or serious. Relax. All you are doing is getting to know a person of the opposite gender. Good luck and be good to one another!

Do's and Don'ts for Men

To attempt a Do's and Don'ts list for Dating is a little bit daunting. Please do not take this list as the catch all for Dating Do's and Don'ts. This list is not all encompassing. In fact, this list is from a woman's perspective. Having said that, the majority of women I know would agree with this list (fellas, women talk). Therefore, why not apply it and see how things go for you in your dating life.

Ultimately, we need to be observant and listen to those things that are verbal and non-verbal when getting to know another person. That's going to be your tell tell sign of success or failure within any relationship. But for those of you who just need a little bit of a boost in the right direction, well here ya go...

DO's

   Do open doors. I get that there are a very few who do not like this gesture of respect, but that weeds those kind of women out for you. Hello, bonus! Let me just state for the record that we know that this gesture is not implying that we cannot open our own doors. We know this gesture is not a way for you to express your dominance over us. But rather, we know that it is a sign of respect. That it is gentlemanly. And ultimately guys, we want those things in our potential mate. So start opening some doors already! One note on that. Just don't make it a grand display. That's embarrassing to us. For example, to make your date wait in the car while you run around to open the door makes most of us uncomfortable. But to have it be an automatic gesture when we are WITH you, is completely fantastic.

   Do have a plan for your date. I cannot tell you how many times the topic of "he didn't plan anything" or "we get in the car and he asks what I want to do" has come up. Even if you have a general idea of what you want to do, don't present it as if you didn't give the date much thought. It makes us feel bad. If you want her to weigh in on your plans for the evening, let her know the options you were thinking of and ask her what she thinks. This shows you gave the date thought and you also are interested in her preference as well.

   Do ask questions that are out of the norm and thought provoking. What I mean by this is that the whole "what do you do?", "what are your interests?", "where did you grow up?" type questions are over in like 5 minutes and most often give you canned short responses. Instead, ask something like "what aspect of your job do you enjoy most?", "what is one of your favorite childhood memories?", "of all your hobbies, which one do you wish you had more time for?" With those kinds of questions, you are going to get a more interesting answer and you will be able to get a better sense of who you are spending time with.

   Do be attentive. Make her feel like there is no other place you would rather be. Girls notice when your eyes wonder. When you check your watch. When you keep looking at the door. When you are watching the game rather than being present on your date.  At that point, we check out mentally. Most guys are competitive beings, but what you need to know is that most girls are not. What this translates into is that we will not compete for your attention. Regardless of if it is a TV screen or a saucy lady walking by. So BE PRESENT.

   Do smell nice. A guy who wears a little bit of cologne is always a bonus. Women notice and we appreciate a nice smelling man by our side. Please don't over use the cologne, but use it for sure and impress your date.

   Do be on time. When a guy is late for a date, a lot of women feel it is a reflection of how he views her and a forecast of what is to come. If you are stuck in traffic or whatever, send a quick text saying you're running a few minutes behind. That is ALWAYS a nice gesture. But when a guy is consistently on time, it gives a girl a sense of security, consideration, and respect.

   Do laugh. It is important that you be able to laugh with whoever you are with. If you find yourself on a laugh-less date, run! Seriously, laughing is so healthy. But the combination of being able to laugh but knowing when it's time to be serious is essential for any relationship.

   Do listen. There is just something so attractive about a guy who actually listens. No girl wants a guy with a glazed over look. She wants to feel like what she has to say is interesting to you.

   Do confirm your upcoming date. Seriously guys, this is just one of those things that gives you the extra little umph. We don't expect it, but boy do we love when we get it.

   Do have fun. Self explanatory? Maybe. But there are some of you out there that have not pieced together that if you don't ACT like you're having fun, we tend to think you're having a horrible time. And wait for it.. that it is a reflection on us. In other words, we think that you are not having fun BECAUSE we are not fun. Ridiculous? Maybe. But it's true. Have fun, smile, laugh.

   Do communicate clearly and accurately. Do not tell half truths. Be honest and make your meaning clear when speaking to your date. If you do not understand what the other person means or is saying, ask questions so that you aren't drawing the wrong conclusion. Communication is key to any relationship and MIScommunication is the cancer of all bad relationships. Start out on the right foot.

   Do make eye contact. Not in the creepy staring kind of way. But in the way that tells her that you are listening, you are interested, and you are present.

   Do be confident. I'm not saying cocky, but confident. A women wants to be with a man who makes her feel like you've got things under control. That you know what you believe, where you stand, and who you are. We like to feel safe and secure and a confident man helps us feel that way. If you aren't confident, fake it until you feel it.

DON'Ts

   Do not kiss on the first date. I know, WHAAAAT?! Yes it might be quite enjoyable. Yes it might be the 'perfect' night. But lets be honest here, the girl is probably the one who is all wrapped up in the ambiance, the 'perfect' night, the 'connection', and the romance of it all..until the regret comes later.  Which it will if she really did like you. But the guy isn't always 'feeling' that same connection. He's just thinking she's hot and he'd like to make out or some variation of that thought process. There is nothing wrong with this thought process if the only thing you want, is the make out.  Ultimately, a first date kiss is forshadowing what is to come. Which is a big fat nothing. Guys do not often respect girls that are physical with them on the first date. Many guys even feel that way after a couple dates. It isn't until they are 'courting you' that they really want to hold hands, kiss, etc and still see where things are going. The 'respect' comes later. And guys, women want to be respected. Is a quick release of hormones worth the sacrifice of a potentially great relationship? That's what you need to ask yourself.

   Do not talk about past relationships and/or other people you are interested in. You may be thinking 'who in the world does that?!' Well, I'll tell you who. EVERYONE. You'd be surprised at how often these things pop up. But believe me, the other person is VERY aware that you just brought up a person of the opposite sex. If a guy brings up a girl in front of a date or even a potential girl of interest, that girl almost always automatically lops them into the friend category. It's a defense mechanism. We think 'well, if he were interested in me at all, he wouldn't be talking about another girl'. Often times, that is why girls will bring up guys to other guys. We are trying to tell you we just want to be friends or we 'think' we are just friends based off of past conversations.

   Do not pat hug. Nothing screams 'I'm giving you a courtesy hug' or 'I feel awkward in this close proximity to you' as a hug accompanied with a pat. In fact, don't pat a women at all.  Most women like physical touch. Especially from men. But when you pat us, it often times causes a negative reaction. Yup. You read that right. It makes us feel bad and I have heard several people explain that they feel like a 'dog'. Now guys, I know you don't want to convey that. But honestly, if you do not want to hug someone, then don't. Side hugs are better than the pat. And a side hug will inform the girl that you are not interested. And if you aren't wanting to REALLY embrace a women without a pat, then you must not be interested. So avoid hurting her feelings and just go in for the side hug or nothing at all.

   Do not high five and/or fist bump the women you are interested in. If you do either one of these, congratulations, you have just tossed yourself into the friend zone. Women do not want to be a 'pal' to the guys they are interested in. Best friends? Yes. But not pals. We prefer tender touches like your hand on the small of our back, hugs, elbow touches, and things of that nature. A high five or fist bump is a quick way to kill much of anything in regards to a relationship, but hey, congratulations on the 'just buds' status.

   Do not linger in the love handle area. It doesn't matter if she has love handles or not. But for whatever reason that spot is a sensitive spot for pretty much any size woman. We think you are 'implying' something when you linger there. Just don't do it.

   Do not sit right next to your date when at dinner. Sitting across from one another is appropriate and not awkward. It is super uncomfortable to have to keep turning your head in order to talk to your date. I'm not sure why people do this, but stop it.

   Do not take your phone out unless you are scheduling your next date with her. Not only is it disrespectful, but in order to get to know someone, you really need to unplug. This means from all the texting, facebooking, sports updates, etc. If you are with someone, BE THERE. No need to get updated on other things going on during the duration of your date.

   Do not talk badly about others. What a turn off. Women are looking for a well rounded person. Someone who helps to make us better. If you are talking badly about other people, who's to say what you are saying behind our backs? The trust goes out the window pretty quickly.

   Do not go to a movie on the first date. Actually, do not go to a movie on the first couple of dates. Dating should be a means of getting to know one another. No talking happens while in a movie. And the impression you are giving, is that you do not care to get to know her better.

   Do not be crass. I think this would be obvious, but yet men are still crass in the presence of women. We don't like it. When this happens, it makes us feel like 'just one of the guys'. Which we absolutely don't want.

   Do not wait too long before you ask for the next date. If you had an enjoyable time and you'd like to continue to get to know her, ask her out again! If a guy hasn't communicated with us within a weeks time of our last date, we are telling ourselves that he is not interested. If you are interested, be sure to convey that in some way. Have some sort of correspondence and plan to go out again.

   Do not talk about yourself too much. You should be talking equally as much. Be sure that when you ask a question, you allow her to answer and you give her your full attention. But make sure she isn't the only one doing the talking. You need to be just as interesting.

The End

If you'd like another round of Do's and Don'ts, send in your comments and feedback. The point of all of this is to get us THINKING in the right direction for when we are communicating/dating. Fellas, don't you worry. The Do's and Don'ts for Women is coming soon. Good Luck dating and be Good to One Another.

Hot, Cold, or Just Right?

A few weeks ago, my Stake President spoke to us. I really have to say, I always enjoy when he speaks to us. This time, he spoke about how it is to be a 'single' in a 'family oriented gospel'. The fact of the matter is, we are here to be a 'family'. Regardless of whether we are in our own family situation or not. He spoke of the Goldie Locks and the Three Bears Analogy. We as 'singles' try porridge and it's either too hot, too cold, or just right. He likened this to dating. Too Hot is when we might be obsessive in the relationship, or think too much about another person, etc. It's just too much, over kill if you will. Too Cold is when we might be aloof, or just content to date multiple people. Or maybe just want to travel with friends. Non committal. Then there is just right. Which is where we want to be. The question is, where do we fall in relationships. Are we too hot, too cold, or just right? Our goal should be to strive to be in the 'just right' area.